I am coming to know myself as a living example of God’s mercy.
Tag Archives: God
Precursors

borrowed from http://cahnrsnews.wsu.edu/2009/02/19/blueberry-workshop-slated-for-eastern-washington-growers/
I just walked into the house after a morning drive. More on that later.
I’m having sort of a freefall of the senses; something in it very reminiscent of the one and only time I jumped out of an airplane. Gravity and direction seem sort of vague, and I feel something that whispers both of euphoria and of panic.
I’m current on my meds and my blood pressure is probably just fine. I am short of breath and my heart rate is rapid. I noticed on the drive home how wretched my distance vision has become — it was kind of alarming to notice that I couldn’t read the street signs until I got right up on them.
I came across a small journal recently and found several pages outlining the symptoms of a bad fibro relapse. It was interesting to read it while I’m essentially in a remissive phase. There were days when I would get up and run an errand, go back to bed; get up, complete a short assignment, go back to bed. I would sleep up to 14 hours a day and still feel tired.
People suggested I was sleeping too much. Hell, I knew that. I also know my body. I know the difference between the malaise that comes from sitting around too much, which exercise will remedy. I also know the bone-crushing exhaustion of fibromyalgia when it surfaces as chronic fatigue.
These weather precursors that I experience occur 1 to 2 hours before a front moves in. The more dramatic the symptoms, the quicker and more violent the weather becomes. When I was very ill I would pass out, as if from an attack of narcolepsy.
Now the precursors are less possessive, and are similar to the sensation I have when I’m approaching a channeling state. It’s hard to describe, but it’s sort of a feeling of vertigo, a gentle pleasant humming in my head. My sense is that I can almost touch the spirit guide that is present.
Sometimes I can channel the guide through writing or typing, but the session is always best when I’m channeling on behalf of someone else. When they are receptive, they contribute their energy and their bandwidth, so to speak, to the communication. And sometimes remarkable things happen.
My mission today was to pick blueberries. The weather has been lenient of late and I practically missed the strawberry season, and blueberries just started. So I sped off to Nesbit, only to find that there’s no picking on Sunday and Monday. But I had a nice chat with George, stopped at the Dairy Bar for a vanilla shake and made my way home slowly up Highway 51.
The sights and sounds of the country nearly almost always sprout hope in my heart. I see little rundown shacks and I think, I could live there. The Capricorn in me points out that I couldn’t live there without Internet access and a lawnmower, but surely that’s manageable.
But there was something about seeing the clusters of blueberries on the bushes, thick as grapes, still green, that feels like money in my pocket. They’re just waiting for me, just like the angels. I just need to reach out a little.
a whole new world
Ecclesiastes 2:12 Then I turned my thoughts to consider wisdom, and also madness and folly.
I was writing to a good friend on Facebook, and this just sort of spilled out of me. It seemed like a good thing to repost here, because I need these sorts of revelatory experiences to remind me of where I’ve been, where I am and where I’m going.
***
I don’t recommend it for everyone, and I wouldn’t have recommended it for me five years ago, but I have settled into a nice little life without making The Group the center of it.
I have a well-rounded set of friends and acquaintances and we rarely lapse into tirades of personal drama. But I have stopped soliciting that, too, and so my communication with my peeps is more about what we’re doing and where we’re going.
My recovery from alcohol is not the neon sign over my head any more. It’s a fact of my life like my adoration of God and my love of good poetry and my obsession with art direction.
The best thing is I don’t feel like I have to compete with people just to be who I am.
I look back on all the angst I felt around the women at The Group, and especially the women in certain cliques, and it seems so strange to me now.
I feel like I have spent great chunks of my life trying to shoehorn myself into places where I wasn’t welcome or even that I didn’t care about, as if that would somehow complete me.
I see it in my romance, trying to get men to accept me who weren’t even worthy of me. I see it in my family, as if they could provide the solace I needed when they were so overwhelmed by their own pain that they forgot I existed.
I went to The Lake with David last week and, for the first time since I’ve been going there, it felt just right.
Something is different with me, and I chalk it up to God changing me when I wasn’t looking. That, and all that TRUE drama in my life has sort of brought me around to a clearer perspective.
It’s really a struggle for me to muster much sympathy for the strident shrew who screeches because she hasn’t accrued an appropriate level of sympathy for her latest self-styled crisis.
Friends are putting their furniture up on cinder blocks at Harbor Town. Hopefully they stacked the blocks five or six high, because the water is thigh-deep there now.
I am happy because I am strong enough to push the lawnmower up the hill. Even though it takes me three days, cutting the front yard is great for my waistline, and I revel in the personal glee I experience when I think, this body belongs to a 57-year-old woman, and it still works.
My life doesn’t really look that different from the outside. From behind my eyes, it’s a whole new world.
Wild Geese ~ Mary Oliver
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert repenting.
…You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting –
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.
Mary Oliver
The Laughing Heart ~ Charles Bukowski
don’t let it be clubbed into dank submission.
be on the watch.
there are ways out.
there is a light somewhere.
it may not be much light but
it beats the darkness.
be on the watch.
the gods will offer you chances.
know them.
take them.
you can’t beat death but
you can beat death in life, sometimes.
and the more often you learn to do it,
the more light there will be.
your life is your life.
know it while you have it.
you are marvelous
the gods wait to delight
in you.
@Charles Bukowski
There for the Taking
Jones Orchard is just a nice drive into the country since they put Highway 385 into place. We, my daughter and I, had dragged her son along that afternoon to pick peaches with us. Elijah is a child of video games and books and the occasional jigsaw puzzle. He wondered, as I would have at his age, why we were going to pick peaches when we could have bought some at the store and been back home in less than 30 minutes.
We prepared admirably for the excursion: insect repellent, gardening gloves, a large Thermos full of ice water and plastic cups. Rachel slathered Elijah with sunscreen and I brought along a long-sleeved shirt just in case I was overwhelmed by sun, insects, peach fuzz or the outside chance of a cooling breeze.
What ensued was a memory in the making, the stuff of family folklore. We had picked the hottest day of the season so far, and had gone out in the hottest part of the day. The Thermos had overturned en route and all our ice water was in the floor of my car. And somehow we’d managed to pick twice as many peaches as we could afford to take home. The guy in charge agreed to keep the ones we didn’t want. It seemed like he was getting a great deal. They were the prettiest peaches we could find among 50 trees.
We brought home 30 pounds of peaches. We’d eaten many, given away many more. Now we were down to the last bowlful, past their peak and facing a moldy demise without prompt attention.
During a summer of feast and famine we were solidly in the famine part. Pennies were scarce in the household, dollars even scarcer. We had slowly, slowly stopped treating ourselves to fountain Cokes and frozen custard. We were trying to satisfy those cravings with PB&J and cereal.
The pantry was full of odds and ends that seemed mostly unrelated. There was a Mason jar with a handful of old-fashioned oats, not enough for a decent bowl of oatmeal. Some freakish sense of frugality had ensured the survival of a tablespoonful of butter-flavored Crisco. It was flanked by half a pound of flour, some sugar and some pancake mix.
While looking through the freezer for hope one hungry afternoon, I noticed a bag I’d stashed the summer before. It was a quart of wild blackberries.
Before moving in with my daughter, I lived near the University in a sweet old neighborhood. During work breaks I’d walk to school and back to stretch my legs. I was keeping an eye on a clump of wild blackberry bushes growing at the edge of a campus parking lot. One day when the mood was right I drove over to see them.
I stepped into the blistering sun wearing a dress shirt, jeans, tennis shoes and a baseball cap. I ignored the stares of passersby and picked as fast as I could, dark berries that bruised easily and bled purple onto my gloves. By the time I was dizzy from the heat I had a pailful, which I washed and promptly froze, forgetting all about them. And here they were, remembered on a day when I needed to remember them.
Cobbler takes hardly anything at all to be a wonderful dessert. And we had plenty of hardly anything at all. But we also had hand-picked peaches, just waiting in the bowl, and wild blackberries.
In our refrigerator, amid two dozen jars of pickled and preserved things, I spotted a lonely pat of real butter. And we had milk. Thank God, we still had milk, for cereal and for coffee and today, for cobbler.
I set a pot of water to boiling so I could blanch the peaches, and filled the sink with ice water. I examined each peach for doubt. I melted the Crisco with the butter, and poured it over the oats. I tossed in enough flour to make a pea-sized meal. I padded this out with pancake mix and stirred in milk until I had a nice-sized ball of dough. Flattened out between two sheets of waxed paper it yielded a generous top crust.
I diced up the fresh peaches and sprinkled them with sugar, then added the frozen berries and added sugar to them as well. Something reminded me to throw in a little flour for thickening. This pile of fruit, shiny with its own syrup, completely filled my old Corning casserole. The crust went on and curled up on the sides, almost running over the edge.
It seemed like a celebration sliding that cobbler into a hot oven. I reasoned that no matter what I did, I couldn’t have messed up such spontaneous bounty. And cobbler is very forgiving, as long as you add enough sugar and don’t let the thing burn.
And so we were forgiven. The crust was perfect, rustic and crunchy, the berries and peaches singing with juice and sunshine. I may never make another such perfect dessert, because I may never again be so broke and bent toward improvisation. But I hope I remember that I was able to find everything I needed and more — it was all right there for the taking.
©27 July 2010 Stormy Bailey
why not?
i’m tired of making excuses for myself.
i’m tired of letting people talk me out of it.
i’m tired of letting them infect me with their fear.
i’ve fucked up about as much as any woman can with her life
so what have i got to lose?
5:06pm July 7th, 2010
The Thing Is ~ Ellen Bass
to love life, to love it even
when you have no stomach for it
and everything you’ve held dear
crumbles like burnt paper in your hands,
your throat filled with the silt of it.
When grief sits with you, its tropical heat
thickening the air, heavy as water
more fit for gills than lungs;
when grief weights you like your own flesh
only more of it, an obesity of grief,
you think, How can a body withstand this?
Then you hold life like a face
between your palms, a plain face,
no charming smile, no violet eyes,
and you say, yes, I will take you
I will love you, again.
by Ellen Bass, from Mules of Love. © BOA Editions, Ltd., 2002.
Freewill ~ Neil Peart
You can choose a ready guide in some celestial voice
If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice
You can choose from phantom fears and kindness that can kill
I will choose a path that’s clear
I will choose freewill
~ Neil Peart
Prayer ~ Mechthild of Magdeburg
That prayer has great power which a person makes with all his might.
It makes a sour heart sweet, a sad heart merry, a poor heart rich, a foolish heart wise,
a timid heart brave, a sick heart well, a blind heart full of sight, a cold heart ardent.
It draws down the great God into the little heart;
it drives the hungry soul up into the fullness of God;
it brings together two lovers, God and the soul,
in a wondrous place where they speak much of love.
– Mechthild of Magdeburg


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