Monthly Archives: September 2011



it doesn’t even seem fair to call it depression. it just feels like nothing. Life just feels like very, very slow death. One day is just like the next. I pray at night that God will show me mercy and that, after all these years, he will just let me sleep forever. I do not dread anything but the unending stretch of years without any real joy.

I fake it, I lie about it, I laugh until tears stream down my face. At the core of me is an endless black hole that sucks the meaning out of every moment. I don’t care about anyone or anything. I work to pay my bills and keep food in my body. I smile at people who wait on me and hope that I encourage them just a little, because nothing encourages me.

Money matters little, because there will never be enough to make me happy. I suspect more money would simply tempt me to eat, drink or drug myself to death. I don’t feel like I can share this with anyone who knows me. I think it would shock them. It kind of shocks me. But not really.

I have a doctor’s appointment next week. More drugs, more vitamins, more sun, more exercise. I do not see the point. Why prolong a life that seems pointless?